On Confidence

Sometimes I cannot write. By this I do not mean that sometimes I cannot write well (that would be often). What I mean is that sometimes I cannot write words. Maybe this is just what is called writer's block. But I've had that before and I usually think of that as involving a lack of ideas or beginnings, etc.: in other words, as not knowing what I want to say. But my not being able to write now (that is, lately) is not exactly that. I've got a lot to say, actually. I've got big ideas. For one thing I know exactly why the book I'm reviewing is good (and I have a pretty good idea about its flaws). But I'm not writing why it's good - even though the review is late. Also, I've got this great idea for a new article - something that connects the contemporary political situation with a figure / genre from my period of interest. At least I think I do. I haven't actually written it out yet. I'm part of an exciting panel at a conference later in the year. It's one of those big-question panels: a give us your thoughts on the discipline, the profession, the state of the world kind of thing. I even have a research assistant to help me collect the necessary data for the presentation. But while I have a great title for the talk (it has a colon and all) I have little else. I've never had a research assistant before and I'm not really sure what to tell him. I mostly try to avoid him. Fortunately, he gets paid with or without my directions. Then there's my tenure folder. I've given it a lot of thought and I'm pretty sure my institution should tenure me. I know how I meet the requirements of the criteria. But have I drafted my statement?

And then there is this blog. I started this on the recommendation of a friend. I thought it could be a place for me to write about more up-to-date things (my period is way in the past). But the horrible headlines pile up like the wreckage facing Paul Klee's Angel (and this is just the news that's actually reported. Progress?). So never-ceasing crappy news is a problem. Laziness is also a problem. Once I get so far behind I just freeze and wait for some new thing to raise my critical ire. But then it's as if I've ignored history. I no longer know what to say about the recent supreme court ruling on segration in schools, for example. Actually I do know but for whatever reason I didn't say it and now there are many great editorial pieces and blog posts that get right to the point. Unfortunately I haven't even linked them yet (I'm stull reading). And let's not forget the "bong-hits for-Jesus" kid. That was no field trip, Roberts, you fuck. I freeze. At any rate, I'm dead keen to write this blog-series on liberalism in the academy. I don't see the whole "all professors are leftists" argument we sometimes get from students or the press. I see something more akin to all professors are wishy-washy liberals who want students to think critically but still think the Democratic party is "progressive." I don't mean we should be teaching this stuff in our classes. Not necessarily. But I think it's odd that so many professors are culturally radical (postmodern transgression and all that shit) but politically as far from radical as can be (compare and contrast the NYTimes coverage of, say, the Tom Stoppard cycle and Hugo Chavez. I've got nothing agaist Stoppard (though drama is a dying, if not dead, medium) but boy do I love to see liberals frothing at the mouth over Chavez's land-redistribution schemes). So why am I writing this instead - on not writing?

I could just as well be doing the dishes or reading some book totally irrelevant to my field or weeding. These are all things I enjoy doing when I'm not writing. I think one consistent problem across the different writing registers that affect me at present (review, conference presentation, article, tenure report, blog) is confidence. I am at present lacking in confidence. If one of these things would actually come through (an article, a successful presentation, tenure, a blog reader)...well, that would give me confidence. Then I might be able to write. But I need to write first for one of these things to come through. Fuck.

I was asked by a journal to write a review of a book that was published as part of a series that includes my own book. I like this writer's previous book a lot and I like the new book too (though less). But for some reason I cannot say how or why, even though I know - or think I know - how and why. I have this sudden loss of confidence. They sent along a sample review for style, length, etc. That review is not very good, in fact. But it's better than the one I'm writing. At least that's how I see it. I have to see it differently. Not as "not very good" or "good" or whatever, but as "a review," which I too have to write. An article, which I too have to write. Tenure, which I too have to win. A blog, which, well. O.K. Next up (maybe): liberalism and the academy. Confidence makes for good writing. It makes for writing period. Words. To write confidently is to write better. Where does it come from, though?